MyDiary. Today -> 24th Sept 2020
I have been waiting for his decision from April 8th. Yeah only his decision as I have already got him inside my heart and brains for months now. Today he will tell me whether he can marry me or not. Yesterday he msged me saying he will ask his mother about our marriage. As he was raised by a single parent, he can't deny her decision. He respects his mom’s and sister-in-law’s decision on getting married to me. Should I say he is a gem and he respects the two important ladies of his life, for any decisions, if he marries me I will be the third one? OR should I say he is so bad to get in touch with me all these days and all of a sudden he broke up with me giving the reason that their family said no?
I never felt he was playing with me, he never msged me or called me on a daily basis. I take it as I m not his daily routine to be msged or called daily. I was thinking I am something special to him. He will msg or call me whenever he really feels like talking to me, that's true right? What's the point if his call/msg for name sake?
Yesterday we had a proper chat for half an hour. We got in contact from Aug 13th, first call I say, till day we never had a conversation via whatsapp other than good morning and night wishes. Yday we were kinda open to each other to admit that we both have the same thought process, matured and have understanding. Now comes the Indian astrologers role. He likes me, he admits that we both have the same wavelength and all, then why believe in some third person for us being together?
This question is answered by him like ‘mom is everything to me, I can't deny her decision’. I never asked him to deny her decision or hurt her and get married to me. I was expecting him to convince her and come to me. Also what I felt from yesterday’s conversation was that he is preparing me to be good friends more than lets fight to be together. So he has already decided that. Is he playing safe, not to take any risks. He is not the first person to give family reasons to avoid me.
I never felt he was faking or preparing a plan to inform me of his decision about his mom saying no, but I discussed with 2 of my well-wishers, they told that he is just faking and getting information from you to tell his decision. Oh I didn't tell you what was the conversation we had yday. He was checking whether my family accepted him in spite of the horoscope not matching? What should we do if they say no?
If he really wanted to drop me off, why would he ask all these questions? He would just say, mom denied, let's break up. Maybe he didn't want me to think he is bad, so how does that change his life? Really who cares? His suggestion is to be a good friend, I asked him, “how can I be with you and see you with someone else?”. He soothes me saying all this is common in arranged marriage, I agree but still, why will I be his friend to know all his ups and downs and to be in pain? If he is very happy I can't bear that, if he is very sad also I can't bear that, Instead it's better to stay far from him.
I am counting on him, I kinda know what he will say, he has made his decision already. Just that he is taking time to inform me :(. Maybe he didn't like me for my looks, he is very good looking and I am not. He is very brainy, and he thinks I am not. He has planned each and everything of his life, even his breakfast and daily diets, but I don’t. I haven't thought of all this. He is a fitness freak, I never thought of being fit, but I am, with God's grace I never put on weight, no matter what I eat or drink.
He told me he will call in the evening. I wish I could hold this time here and not move at all. I know his decision. I feel like crying so hard, but again I don’t want to put him out of me with tears. I have to forget him and move on. It's easy to wait for his msgs/calls, from today I know he would never give a call. How can I digest that? I am controlling my tears so hard. I don’t want to look like a fool in front of my roommate. She knows each and every move we had. We never met, but I was talking about him all the time, she was warning me many times not to take him seriously.
I can’t control my mind from thinking about him, can anyone do that?. Friends around me are trying hard to control my feelings towards him, as they are very scared what will happen to me, if he says no? Now I know he will say no, I don’t know I am kinda calm since morning. Maybe cos I am writing this or maybe I know his decision.
I know I haven’t accepted this situation yet, I just don't want to cry over the phone when he makes his decision. I just have to say ‘OKAY’ and disconnect the call. What if he continues talking? I can't hold my tears back. I am feeling hard to control now. How can I control when he tells me his decision? Good that he is not in front of me while telling this. I have also promised my roomy not to drop a single tear for him, but I don't know how to control that.